Behavior is the answer to "How can I cure my anxiety?"

It’s not necessarily finding the best medicine or doctor.

It’s not even fixing the thoughts.

It’s not how much energy you invest in understanding the problem.

It’s not even not the house, the job, the money or the relationship that we hope will fix the troubles, or at the least, serve as viable distractions.

It's not even the prayers we’ll make and the temples we’ll worship.

It's the behavior that directly targets your anxiety that will cure your anxiety.

Bitter sweet news, right?

“Hooray! It’s something I can control myself. I don’t need anything else. I don’t need anyone else.”

“This sucks. Behavior is the part I struggle with. That’s what I cannot do. You tell me to do what I cannot do, in order to do what’s needed to be done? What’s wrong with you? Don't you know it’s not possible for me?”

I get that.

If facing fears was that easy, no one would have anxiety.

Of course things get in the way when it comes down to facing the fears.

But all that might mean is that you need help with execution. It doesn't have to mean that anxiety is incurable.

First, just a note about how I use the term ‘cure’ anxiety.

I use it to represent actions of moving towards becoming increasingly flexible with your internal landscape (thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, sensations, urges etc) that are currently likely interpreted by you as troublesome or unacceptable.

When such flexibility is enhanced, you are more equipped to minimize your control-and-suppression strategies.

And when control and suppression are minimized, counterintuitively, the internal landscape tends to soften.

By ‘cure’ or ‘unlearning’, I certainly don't mean that you will, or should strive to erase or be free from the content of your internal landscape.

You'll just likely have different and better relationship with it.

And often, that's what it really takes to feel ‘cured’.

It's a dynamic process, and on some days, it will feel like one step forward and two steps back.

Don't let this dishearten you. You are still in the right direction.

With that in mind, let’s continue.

What does behavior do for anxiety? And why nothing short of that can work.

Behavior is the only way to break the anxiety loop.

Why do I consider it as the only way?

Because unless you behave un-anxiously, all the insight, medication or wisdom of a lifetime cannot save you. "At least I am brilliantly insightful about how my fear of water came about" will not cure a person. Taking a shower will.

We have to deliberately create the exact kinds of experiences that our brains need in order to recover and change.

And creation cannot happen without the doing. Not thinking about the doing, but the actual doing.

And why do we want our brains to change?

If you are cured of anxiety, it does not mean that you now have new powers to tackle a malfunctioning, misbehaving brain.

It means that you literally have a new brain .

It means that you are changing the circuitry of your brain from anxious to wise.

You now have a brain that's been trained to automatically respond wisely, still allowing you to experience emotions but without the need for anxiety.

Neuroscience ⁽¹⁾ shows us that this is possible despite a person’s age or history.

You need behavior for this.

If you understand, but behave as if you don’t understand, it's not going to work.

Insight is important, but action is where the rubber meets the road.

You need to be able to "show yourself" that you get it, and this is what will retrain your amygdala to switch off and reset its anxiety alarms.

You need to show yourself that despite your twenty-year old thought that tells you how your house will burn down if you don't check the stove ten times, you don't check the stove ten times.

Then, when your heart is pounding with more fear and more uncertainty (because this time you did something different), you need to show yourself that you are successfully riding out this storm. Not by going back to the stove. This time, you're going running.

While you're running, you need to be able to show yourself that "Look, I'm running this time. I'm not camping by the stove". If this means you have to say this every five seconds to silence your doubts, so be it.

When that's over, you need to show yourself that your anxiety symptoms weren't powerful enough to stop your running, and in fact, are now less intense.

Finally, the thought will desperately try a new power tactic "This was a fluke. The past you is the real one.”

But only now do you have the authority to say: "Screw you. This time, I have real, personal proof that not listening to you turns out to be okay. Maybe even better. I burned 500 calories and my pants fit better."

Thought: "What about your past? That will never change. You will always be someone who spent years in anxiety. How sad is that?"

You: "Yeah, but so what? I'm not buying into another layer of nonsense that'll keep me stuck ."

Thought: "What if it all comes back?"

You: "I'll go running again."

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Essentially, you’re proving that the only fluke are these thoughts.

And this kind of proof, created from your own courageous behavior, is what cures anxiety.

Therapy can bring you to the point of understanding fear, but you have to "do" fear to conquer it.

"I am going to the party anyway coz I love spending time with my friend Tim. I'm ignoring the thought that tells me "I am weird and people dislike me". It gets in my way."

"I am boarding the flight to Mumbai anyway coz it means I can meet grandma. I'm ignoring the thought that tells me "I am going to die". It gets in my way."

"I am going to work anyway coz I care about my job. I'm ignoring the thought that tells me "I will have a panic attack". It gets in my way."

You're done buying into the mind's never-ending anxiety chatter that holds you back from a life worth living.

So what if you’ve been trapped earlier. This time you're moving on anyway.

I did it! I’m stoked! I can't believe it! But wait..

Once behavior is performed by you, you have to also interpret it correctly.

Focus on what you achieved, and whether it was in the direction of your goals and values. Even if your goal right now is to just make it past the next two minutes.

In anxiety, we’ve become habituated to extreme levels of suspicion and critical analysis. Even when we achieve good results, we can be suspicious and dissatisfied.

"What if I stayed calm only because I talked to my therapist before? Only because I took a medicine? Only because it was a fluke? Oh-my-gosh, what if it was the wrong thing to do? What if this, or nothing I ever do, will be enough?"

Try to stop yourself from doing this. This again is anxiety talking.

If you performed an un-anxious behavior, admit it and accept that you did it because of you. There were no other variables that made this happen, but you.

Interpret your experiences in a way that can help stop the obsessive critical analysis of the situation and of yourself.

If you tried your best, you have to learn to get comfortable with that. If it still wasn't ‘perfect’ by your standards, the task ahead may not be to change the efforts or the outcomes, but instead, to change your standards.

How does behavior really do the job?

Scientifically, it happens like this.

Behavior creates a counter and positive memory of yourself and of your own coping skills.

With just one behavior, you re-train your amygdala (brain) through two routes. And in the end, curing anxiety is generally speaking, all about resetting your amygdala.

Memory

The amygdala does not understand language. The amygdala understands memory.

You cannot tell your amygdala to not create fear. The amygdala will only not create fear once it sees the object as safe.

One way it sees it as safe is if it remembers it as safe.

If the amygdala only remembers you as freaking out when confronting this object, it will always interpret it as a threat.

That's why you have to change your memory.

And you have to do it by behaving un-anxiously. Fall short of that and your amygdala won't buy it.

Memory of your new, un-anxious behavior is then hardwired into you. You will not forget it. All memories influence your amygdala, even positive ones.

So next time, you confront the same triggers, your amygdala will remember "The last time, he behaved un-anxiously as if there was no threat, despite 30 years of behaving anxiously. I just need this one-time for all my purposes. Well, I guess I don't have to raise an alarm anymore".

This is called desensitizing your amygdala.

Thinking

With performing behavior, you challenge previous distorted thinking and assumptions, without trying to change, alter or manipulate your thoughts.

Previously, you underestimated your own coping skills.

Being merged with negative thoughts made you create the distorted belief that you have to first deal with the subject-matter of your thoughts before you can feel safe.

But now, you witness that despite the thoughts, you tried something new and better.

And in this way, you have started to learn and practice the life-changing lesson of holding one's thoughts lightly and not taking them as hundred percent true.

And guess what? You survived, and are probably a bit giddy from your newfound courage.

One Behavior. Two Behavior. Three Behavior. The upward spiral begins.

Each successful behavioral episode builds on the previous one. In time, un-anxious behavior starts becoming instinctive, and you re-wire your brain to respond un-anxiously.

You build up enough positive memories of yourself to draw upon every time you face an anxious situation.

You are able to remember from your memory bank that despite a lifetime of anxious reactions, the same you has also performed un-anxious reactions and which have worked out better for you.

Your amygdala starts getting re-trained as it learns that despite the alarms it habitually used to raise, the "new you" behaves as if there is no threat. Your amygdala starts getting trained to react only to appropriate threats.

This in turn has a positive effect on your day-to-day biology. Since your amygdala is not triggered, you don't deal with anxiety symptoms, are less hyper vigilant and more calm.

When you are able to stay more calm, you will notice that your thinking styles, perspectives and worldviews are calm, collected and wise. This further influences your behavior.

You gain confidence in making un-anxious choices and have more faith in your own coping skills.

You become more interested in role modeling and mirroring the right kind of people.

Pretty soon, your default conditioning changes from worry to resilience.

Your new, un-anxious energy and vibe start attracting the right kind of people into your life. You live closer to your true nature and temperament. You start making choices in relationships, work and hobbies more aligned to your core values.

It's an upward spiral at the end of which lies a life enriched with emotions, but more and more free from anxiety.

And it all starts with behavior.

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